Loving God Like I Don’t Love Surfing

Sitting on my board in the warm, clear Pacific waters off the coast of Costa Rica, I couldn’t help but smile at the privilege of being where I am. I love the beach (here, “la playa”), and I love getting out in the water fighting against some waves. It’s especially nice when you get to look back toward land and see tropical mountains covered in lush green—right up to the coconut palms lining the beach. You’d be tempted to call it paradise.

On this day I had finally decided to use my entire day’s budgeted $10 to rent a surfboard. I really enjoyed surfing with friends in college, so I figured I couldn’t pass up the opportunity while I’m living near the beach of some of Costa Rica’s best surf, Dominical.

I chose the 8’ board because I know I’m pretty novice, and definitely out of shape, then walked out to the beach with a new American friend. Paddling out, duck-diving through turbulent waves and swimming against the strong rip tides, I was quickly reminded how exhausting surfing is!

But I persevered.

“I’ve only got the board for a day, right? And all that lap-swimming I’ve been doing is for such a time as this!”

Proving I can rent a surfboard in Costa Rica

Wave after wave I’d watch go past me or go into me… I wasn’t really riding any of them.

Contrary to common myth, surfing isn’t that much like snowboarding. There’s no lift to take you out to sea, and then your mountain either turns out to be a hill, or drops an avalanche on you to throw you swirling around in the salt water, trying to protect your head from getting hit by the board strapped to your leg.

I’d been out in the ocean more than two hours (!), my arms were completely fatigued, my bare abdomen raw, and my hopes of catching a wave pretty low.

Then there’s the social factor at play: you can feel all the other surfers are watching you and judging your skill. Pride reassures my mind with excuses: “I’m just out of shape.” “I’ve already been out here 2 hours.” “I haven’t surfed in more than two years.” “Can’t you tell I know which waves are good for me?” … but I’m still not riding any waves.

Then I had a profound thought: I don’t really love surfing.

Two-plus hours out in the ocean and I really hadn’t even been surfing. I’d been sitting on my board, watching waves, paddling around, enjoying the sun, sights and saltwater and watching other dudes surf. I was trying to surf, but was a frustrated failure.

Then the other shocking realization: I often love God like I love surfing. I don’t.

I like the challenge of the spiritual disciplines and the fulfillment they provide. I like the gifts God gives. I love the idea of grace, the commandment to love, and benefits of morality.

I even love that my God is powerful, righteous, compassionate, creative, loving, fearful, just, relational, and good.

But I often don’t love God Himself.

Dr. John Coe (see previous post) writes, “the soul must learn to love God just for Himself in such a manner that He... is the center of all things.”

Just as I would say I love surfing, even though I’ve spent numerous sessions without actually dropping in and riding a wave, I say I love God. Even when I’m not actually good at surfing, I appreciate the opportunities to experience beauty and to be in the ocean that surfing provides. Likewise, even when I don’t get a taste of God, I deceive myself into thinking I’m loving Him because I am surrounded by an encouraging Christian community or because the Bible spoke truth into my life.

Though the analogy is admittedly weak, the idea helps me see the difference between loving God and loving all the things that surround Him while missing the essence.

To bring the story a happy ending… yes, I did finally catch a wave. I spent over half an hour floating in the water next to my board, about done, and then the right wave happened to present itself. Suddenly, I was standing up on my board being propelled forward with all the hard-earned thrill that surfers dream of.

I was truly surfing.

I hope we all get the same experience of God. Keep pursuing Him. Keep reading the Bible and praying. Stay active in the local church and get discipled. It’s all worth it, because God is worth it. All the peripheral joys are great, but there’s nothing like actually experiencing God.
Happy surfing!

 I have set the LORD always before me;

because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

my flesh also dwells secure.

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. 

Psalm 16:8-9,11

Growing Pains

 God who is everywhere, never leaves us. Yet He seems sometimes to be present, sometimes absent. If we do not know Him well, we do not realize that He may be more present to us when He is absent than when He is present.

-          Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

The last two weeks I’ve come to a painful realization of my lack of spiritual maturity.

I don’t love God for being God.

This is a tough thing to acknowledge for someone who has a lot of identity wrapped up in being a good Christian. I’ve done a lot of the right things to conform to the Christian culture; I’m even in Seminary, having dedicated my career to serving the Lord. People hope I’ll be successful as a Christian, including myself (whatever that means). But I’ve got a lot of growing to do.

Coming to Costa Rica was my attempt to jump back from the cliff of doubt, despair and burnout in my faith, and to further prepare myself for ministry. Now that I’m here, I’ve found myself to not love spiritual disciplines. I find it hard to pray. Sometimes I have an aversion to God’s Word.

The Dark Night of the Soul

Many Christians are at least familiar with the term which comes from St. John of the Cross’s work, The Dark Night of the Soul, but we don’t really know how to recognize it or respond.

For me, a night of the soul is a time that removes the guards I place between me and full devotion to God. I’ve got cushions—identities, securities, distractions—that keep me just safe enough from fully giving myself to God. Removing the padding is very uncomfortable.

I’ve had my share of experiences which painfully kick out those crutches: being fired, leaving California, getting sick in India. These are times of great hardship, in part because I’m coming to the unappealing reality that I valued my job, my friends, or even my very life above the God who gave me life.

Now I feel certain despair at my inability to create spiritual richness… to feel spiritual.

Dr. John Coe, director of Biola’s Institute for Spiritual Formation, wrote an article that has resonated deeply with my experience. In it he writes, “Believers in a dark night… become aware of how little they really love God, how little joy they take in the spiritual disciplines. Yet they also perceive, with a kind of sadness, that the world and its pleasures cannot satisfy.”

Yes, that’s it. I can try to read the Bible; I can try to pray. I can go on a hike with breathtaking views in places people call paradise. But none of it is satisfying if I’m not enjoying God.

Coe goes on, “Though they certainly love God in the deep where the Spirit abides, they discover how little there is in their character that enjoys prayer and the Bible, how little they really love God characterlogically.”

Exactly.

The diagnosis is accurate, but what do I do?

“Resist the temptation to spiritually fix oneself,” Coe advises, getting to a root problem of our spiritual pride. Instead of striving harder, I need to rest in God’s grace. This phrase is becoming a theme for my trip. Rest is a state of being, not doing. Humbly I must acknowledge my need for God and my absolute dependence on His grace.

I’m learning to love God for who He is, even if it’s tough and shows me more of myself than I care to see.

Growth is gradual; growth is tough. My Spanish is not suddenly fluent because I’m living in Costa Rica. I’m not suddenly more spiritual because I came here to study the Bible and pray. Out of my love for God I have to build a deep love for the Bible over a period of time, to build a habit of turning to God.

“Be faithful to the spiritual disciplines,” Coe counsels those in the dark night, “despite the fact that practicing them may feel painful and lonely.” Because spiritual growth is a lifelong process, our faith requires diligent habits so that we can daily move forward while keeping Jesus Christ as our goal.

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. 

- Jesus

Summer Sabbatical

Today I leave for a new adventure… in Central America.

This summer holds a different kind of adventure for me. Rather than sightseeing, thrill-seeking or mission tripping, I am traveling with the purpose of studying God’s Word and prayer. 

My summer will be a practice in being, not doing.

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. 

(Jeremiah 29:12-14)

Here’s the back-story:

The Setting

I’ve completed a year and a half of seminary: studying theology and the Bible in an academic setting. I also live in an urban center in the United States of America—probably the most fast-paced, achievement-driven country on earth. During the semester, my life is busy. very busy. Studying full-time, working part-time, and trying to even talk to a few people during the week, I barely find time to sleep.

I am not unique in this scenario. As a single young adult in the city, I feel a particular pull towards making a name for myself. We strive for more money, to be attractive, to be cool. For the most part, it comes easily. We’re surrounded by big buildings, big names, and big ambitions. We’re starting to make a lot of money with our time, which feels awesome. We can follow every impulse and desire; we are independent with no one to be accountable to. We’re young and energetic, handsome and strong, smart and funny.

Being caught up in the speed of the city, it’s easy to forget God. Many of us do. I have conversation after conversation with coworkers and dear friends who have lost their faith, or who just don’t care about God, or maybe are in a deep slump. We don’t need him (so it feels). We can succeed on our own, and life celebrates all that we’re good at. It’s hard to imagine I’m dependent on God.

Being in seminary I’m not immune from the world. I’m even guilty at times of following my own pride through the façade of being a good Christian. I just want to be good enough. I just want to earn favor with God, or at least with man. But in the midst of the cultural lies, I must get back to the root of truth. God becomes more real in my life when I obey how he told us to live.

I like my schooling; I like what I’m studying. However, I also value rest and a chance to step back and take a different approach to the Bible—one that is more organic and not so constrained by time. This summer I seek to go to the core of the Christian faith, meditating on what God has revealed about Himself in Scripture and praying as His prescribed response.

The Idea                                            

As I anticipated summer 2013 coming up, I began to look at options of where I would spend it, what I would do. If I quit my job and took the summer off, I would have two solid months to go anywhere in the world. I don’t want to be a perpetual traveler filled with wanderlust, but this seems like a summer I can strategically use for personal and spiritual growth.

Looking international seemed like a good option as I consider one of my life’s passions and purposes to be connecting with the worldwide church and understanding the diversity of humankind.

As this summer may be my last as a single young adult with the ability to travel and try something new, I want to use it purposefully. I know most people do not ever get the opportunity to take a summer off. I’m extremely blessed to be able to afford this financially. Knowing how busy I keep myself, I know this is a great chance to disengage and take a step back to renew the spiritual side of my life, and so I began looking into options around the world.

The Options

First I considered a mission trip back to Asia; I’d love to see China and visit a friend in Taiwan, maybe even partner with some friends in Singapore. But after not being able to find a travel buddy, I considered that door closed. I’m so grateful for companionship with Kyle in India, and I’m convinced I don’t want to try missions without a good friend like him.

Next I looked into an extended “pilgrimage” at Orthodox monasteries in Greece and Mount Sinai monastery in Egypt. Living in a monastery is part of my ambitious “I think I’d like to try it” list, and as I began to seriously consider spending my summer in a monastic community, the idea became extremely appealing. I saw it as an awesome chance to slow down and have nothing to do but read, memorize and meditate on the Bible, and spend ample time in prayer. Yet hopes faded when I was politely turned down by the monks.

Back at square one, I considered other lifelong ambitions: spend a summer abroad studying Spanish in Costa Rica or live in a cabin in the mountains by myself for a month. Only weeks away from summer, I researched heavily and have ended up with a combination of all pursuits…

Where I’m Headed

Today I’m flying to Costa Rica. There I’ll be staying in a “jungle house” by myself for 25 days. It’s rainy season, so I got a great deal (part of why I can afford this), and I’m sure the rain will help keep me focused on my goal of meditating on God’s Word and praying. I’m excited to be in Central America because I can work on my Spanish and learn more about Latin culture and Hispanic people.

I suppose “sabbatical” is a fitting term because this is a rest from work, a break to refresh and renew. I’m excited to refresh my faith by feeding it with essential nutrients. Too often in the city I’ve starved my faith by not being diligent in the core spiritual disciplines. Beauty makes me come alive, and I’m thrilled to immerse myself in such naturally beautiful places and let my soul spring out in worship to God. The house is in hikable distance from some waterfalls and only about 6 miles from the Pacific coast, so I can even hike to the beach while memorizing scripture. :)

Part II of my time in Central America will begin as I take a bus ride up to Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. There I’ll begin a more communal approach to the spiritual retreat, staying at a Catholic mission  for almost three weeks, eating 3 meals a day with other volunteers and occasionally partnering with work of the mission. I’ll be able to choose my own pace, so some days I can help with their education projects, go to the coffee plantations, or even help out with mass in other villages, and other days I can just go to the chapel to pray or take a hike overlooking the “most beautiful lake in the world.”

I don’t want to merely do a lot of things in life; I want to become a man of God and to be fully devoted to the gospel. I believe the distinctive of Christian ministry is our use of God’s Word and prayer to a God who hears us and whose Spirit dwells within us. This summer I don’t want to be a tourist or go on another mission trip; I want to be with God. I’m grateful and humbled and excited and afraid as I step into this new journey—your prayers are much appreciated!

But reject those myths fit only for the godless and gullible, and train yourself for godliness. For “physical exercise has some value, but godliness is valuable in every way. It holds promise for the present life and for the life to come.” This saying is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance. In fact this is why we work hard and struggle, because we have set our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of believers.

Command and teach these things. Let no one look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in your speech, conduct, love, faithfulness, and purity. Until I come, give attention to the public reading of scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the spiritual gift you have, given to you and confirmed by prophetic words when the elders laid hands on you. Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that everyone will see your progress. Be conscientious about how you live and what you teach. Persevere in this, because by doing so you will save both yourself and those who listen to you.

1 Timothy 4:7-16