When I Am Weakest

Low places. Darkness. Depression. Pain. Confusion. Questioning. We’ve all felt them. I’ve spent my time lying in bed unable to move, because I am discouraged or my spirit is upset.

I often experience the most grace in my life at my lowest points. I feel that in our hardest times we can experience more of God’s grace. It’s still tough, but it’s better by far than being comfortable while remaining distanced from God.

One reason I look back on my time living in India so fondly is because life there was difficult physically, but in that, I experienced God more fully.  I was sick a lot, my intestines never quite felt right, the culture was different and the country frankly isn’t as comfortable as America. Yet in that uneasiness, I learned to better trust God, and for that reason alone I consider my time on mission in India to be the best of my life thus far. (read about it: biolansinindia.blogspot.com)

When we are weakest, He is strongest.

In his second letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul wrote that when he had pleaded with the Lord to remove his thorn, God replied, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (12:9). Paul goes on to say that he will even gladly boast in his weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon him.

Wow. Not something you’ll find me doing often. Paul continues, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Here’s a guy who’s seen it all when it comes to hardship, but he turns weakness on its head in a beautiful paradox and says that Christ in fact is our strength when we are weak.

It’s likely you are more acquainted with suffering than I, but this last year has had its fill of hard times for me.

Last semester starting my master’s degree in a new city with a new job was probably the hardest time of my life yet, and it was mostly psychological. I dealt with loneliness and isolation. I was away from friends in California, distanced from family, too busy for new friends. Yet each time I thought I would break, God provided necessary relief.

One of my answered prayers was when I was trying to plan out my summer. I’d asked my boss if I could transfer to the R+D Kitchen in Newport Beach, California, for a month to be with Biola friends. After waiting and waiting, the answer was… “No”. Ugh. Could I even afford to go back to Los Angeles after all? The night after I heard back “no”, I couldn’t sleep. I felt sick to my stomach. What am I supposed to do this summer?? Plans were not falling into place.

Restlessly I prayed and struggled with God for at least two hours into the middle of the night. I was so confused.

The next morning I awoke to a message from my boss: “Just heard back from the Newport GM. Don’t know why they changed their mind, but they said they WOULD approve a short term transfer.”

Woohoo!!

May have seemed like a coincidence to my boss, but I view this as a direct intervention from God for my good. I was at a low of turmoil and confusion, and after turning that struggle over to God, He provided relief.

Trusting is a habit of confidence that God will provide.  

Despite many, many experiences in my life where God has proved faithful, I still tend to forget to trust Him.

This week, I’ve been trying to return to my job after my transfer to California and my hiatus working camp in North Carolina. I’ve been trying restart for the past week, and now school starts soon. Only yesterday I woke up with anxiety—at my breaking point. After a time of turmoiled prayer, I read Psalm 22. David begins, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?”

I can relate to that. I feel like I’ve been praying hard for weeks that returning to work would be smooth, but it hasn’t been so easy. I had to wait; I got frustrated with God.

But in his despair, when he can “find no rest,” the psalmist turns to God and declares His faithfulness: “Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.” King David continues to speak the history of trust fulfilled: “In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them… in you they trusted and were not put to shame.”

David affirms his trust in God while still in a dark, difficult place. We have to look back at evidence of God’s rescue and redemption, remembering to live with expectation for deliverance.

I took that too heart. Still feeling a bit hesitant to make the phone call, I felt peace and confidence that after seeking God’s will for a couple hours, He would provide for me. I’m amazed at how wonderful a perspective time in God’s Word gave me, and I truly felt sure God would prosper my path at this point.

I called work, and... voilà! My boss kindly apologized for forgetting and immediately scheduled me to come in that night. Just like that. Last night I had a great night back at work; I joyfully felt the truth of Psalm 5:12, "For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield." 

It seems so easy, but that morning the future was turbulently unclear. What I did know is that in the past when I've been anxious, if I turn to God, humble myself, fast and pray, He takes care of me.

This is not Greek; it's Christian disciplines 101.

Remembering God’s faithfulness and acting upon it is a habit that must be nurtured. We learn a practice of turning to God in prayer and humbling ourselves.

Will you believe it? Will you trust the LORD?

“Be joyful in hope,

patient in affliction,

faithful in prayer”

– Rom 12:12